DICTATION GUIDELINES FOR DICTATORS

                 DICTATION GUIDELINES FOR DICTATORS(Sarcastically please....) 

1.  Dictate in the noisiest environment you can find.  For example,  dictate operative notes in the Post Anesthesia Care Unit, so the transcriptionist will be able to hear the moans and cries of the poor soul you operated on, coming out of anesthesia.  ER notes should be dictated in

the ER, preferably the area where there's the most activity.  We love to listen you dictate against the backdrop of various bodily functions, screams, alarms, sirens and civil unrest.  It's better than watching the television series! 

2.  If you can't find a noisy part of the hospital in which to dictate, try to provide your own background noise.  Feel free to eat, drink or use the toilet while you're dictating.  Flip through a 200-page chart for an hour (without putting the dictating system on "hold"), looking for that

one elusive blood gas value.  Sigh to yourself often and mutter obscenities under your breath.  Get up frequently from your dictation (again, without putting the system on "hold") and be sure to drop the receiver onto a hard surface when you do.  Nothing wakes us up like a

punctured eardrum. 

3.  Dictate late at night, when you're really, really sleepy.  Don't bother to repeat any dictation that you've yawned in the middle of... 

we love the challenge of trying to figure out what "aaaagggggghhhhhhhhhhh" 

means.

4.  If the above aren't possible, try dictating from your *car phone*, 

while the radio is playing, or your kids are fighting in the back seat. 

Traffic noises in the background and the static from your driving under a

bridge are especially appreciated. 

5.  If you really want to show the transcriptionist how much you're

thinking of her, try this:  dictate your note into a hand-held recorder,

then play it over your car phone into the hospital dictation system. 

Nothing says "I care" more than the migraine she's gonna get transcribing

it. 

6.  Don't bother to spell any patient names.  We *love* trying to figure out the spelling of "Fahrvergnugen".  Better yet, don't even bother to*give* the patient's name or record number.  Let those poor MTs  try to figure out the identity of the 69-year-old white

male admitted with chest pain.

7.  Talk as fast or as slow as you possibly can.  Try to dictate a

three-page report in one exhaled breath.  Variety is the spice of life.   

Remember to dictate some reports where you pause ten minutes between 

each word.

8.  The more trivial and insignificant the operative procedure, the longer

the report should be.  It should take four times longer to dictate the

operative report than to actually perform the surgery.  Surgical removal

of a toenail should run about fourteen pages.  Conversely, the more

complicated the surgical procedure, the shorter the report.  You should be

able to take someone's head off and sew it back on in half a page. 

 9.  After dictating a 45-minute long report in which you've adhered to 

the above guidelines, tell the transcriptionist at the very end... "Oh, 

forget this report.  Don't transcribe it.  I'm gonna redictate!"

Hope you enjoyed this.  Keep up the good job!!!!